One of my favorite condiments for a sandwich is mayonnaise. Specifically Miracle Whip. Now, before you start ranting at me like I've lost all of my taste buds in a freak frosting laced mixer licking accident, I do know there is a difference between mayonnaise and Miracle Whip. Mostly that one tastes good and the other is more like, well, salty paste.
I've struggled for years with what should be a simple task; the even distribution of Whip across a slice of bread. Again, I know what you're thinking, and it’s probably something along the lines of “If this is your first world problem then I'm pretty sure you need to get therapy and then evaluate your priorities”, but stay with me for a moment. When you stick your knife or other utensiled spreading device into the opening, you're left gauging how much you can realistically put onto a slice of bread, then you spread the product onto the bread and, voila, you're ready to move on to the next step.
Here’s where things begin to go south for me pretty quick. I tend to misjudge the proper amount of Whip needed to get this perfect. For the record, I tend to miscalculate how much mustard should go on my sandwich too, but I digress. In the ultimate show of geek bravado I've even gone as far as to use measuring spoons to get just the right amount of goodness on each slice. But, alas, I continue to struggle with this very simple process causing either a dryness that ruins a good sandwich or forcing the edges to become gooped with so much condiment that it drips on the plate, or in my case my shirt, wasting what is really the essence of a good sandwich.
And now I'm pretty sure you're thinking that the essence of a really good sandwich is what you put between the bread, not the condiments. But really, what good is any sandwich without the right condiment? Is a hot dog really a hot dog without mustard and ketchup? Some would say without relish you're just wasting your time but I say that if you add relish but left off the mighty mustard and ketchup combination, you'd be ruining a perfectly good lunch.
We could argue all day about the proper way to make a sandwich and there really wouldn't be a right answer (other than mayo or Miracle Whip which isn't even a contest), but the fact of the matter is when I want to enjoy a simple bologna sandwich I want it to have the perfect amount of condiment goodness. Because too little just makes it a dull, effort filled chore and too much, well, makes me have to change my shirt.